The Great Internet Cosmopolis – George Tom, Bangalore


The internet is a marvellous place to live in.I spent my last weekend over there with wonder and I thought writing a guide to the awe inspiring place we call the internet would be a bright idea.To lure more peole that is.Besides,it would also decongest some of the more cramped holiday locations I really need to visit.All one needs to enter the world of the internet(I literally mean “the world”) is a fairly reliable connection and the patience to tolerate it when it’s not so reliable.Do remember though, to carry your passport when inside the world, for you could be chosen for inspection.You wouldn’t want a dead phone to ruin yor stay so a power bank is vital to keep your vacation running.With all formalities in place you are now ready.


With the council’s decision to improve expressways and evict slow citizens we can now notch up a speed of 100Mbps without a hitch.That is of course until a rogue ISP decides to throw a couple of speedbreakers that ruins the pace.The Internet cosmoplis ,the largest city in the entire internet, boasts of generating more revenue from tourism than any other city.The mayor’s pride is the upscale and tourist-turned-citizens dominated “social media street”.The Instachat-Snapgram restaurant block in itself is a model to behold.Diners are seated around an extremely large round table.Rows of the most decadent and scrumptous dishes travelling over a conveyer belt encircle this round table and are simultaneously bombarded by incessant waves of cellphone flashes.Shortly before the dishes make their second revolution,the conveyer makes a quick detour to the “digester”.The perfectly edible food is then burnt to a neat char to generate energy that is then wirelessly transmitted to the diners phone for those all important, life dependent photographs of the dishes.The restaurant on Social Media street is also unique in being the first place anywhere to have more fatalities from starvation than any other place in the internet.The mayor is said to have promised a real restaurant to reduce the fatalities, near the “restaurant “on re-election but the public is of the opinion that the lack of efficient power transmitters at the restaurant are a bigger threat to human existence.In fact,most people at the social media street will tell you with absolute confidence that the complete absence of these energy transmitters were the cause for the dinosaurs’ extinction.Poor dinos.

Internet spirituality and entertainment (don’t confound the two over here)

Now it almost seems rude if I didn’t mention the “Shrine of our Hashtag and everything else that encompasses thee.” It is important to note that tourists wishing to visit the shrine must obtain a permit card by pledging temporary allegiance to all that is hashtagy under the sun.Even then, occasional and completely unexpected praises to his holliness hashtag is considered good ettiquette.When in the inner sanctum you are expected to vocally deliver the most number of hashtag prefixed words in under two minutes and risk asphyxiation in the process (whichever comes first is considered the holy offering).I would then suggest that you pay a visit to one of the cosmopolis’s cinemas.I cannot guarentee that this will be a very pleasant experience but then again,tastes vary.The movie blocks themselves have a monolithic,grey ,minimalistic exterior which is compensated for an equallly poor in taste yet,vibrant interior.The movies played are cheesy complitalions of the most recirculated,debated,“astoundng clips” in man’s history.If one paid attention to the credits that rolled at the end ,you would notice that the directors,sound engineers,make up artists and so on were almost always, monkeys whose knowledge of the arts were no more than what a 6 year old would invariably possess.Acting however, was not Simian territory.The movies are the epitome of a lie going around the world even before the truth can even get its boots on.The rumour among the citizens is that the cinemas were in fact, a failed and yet completely unaltered experiment of an audio-visual execution method for the internet cosmopolis’s worst criminals.

People still flock by the hundreds though, to watch the most astounding clips in man’s history.So at least the cities distribution of ‘Social media D-addiction pills” worked.No marketing analyst truly understood the reason behind the immense popularity of the pill in an already social media addicted society.The true reason was almost published in the Market journal (see volume: 2 no: 5 for the missing space) but unfortuanately,the marketing executive who realized that the public misunderstood “D-addiction”(D stood for vitamin D added to increase potency) for “deaddiction,” was killed in a purely coincidental D-addiction pill overdose.

When the time comes to say goodbye, you will be directed towards the gates of the cosmopolis but very few people have escaped from the elite social media police force that gaurds the gate. However,the tourists who have been blessed with a bit more IQ points than the average man say,”To hell with this.” and cut the internet cable instead.